So, we decided to break down specific signs that are giant, shiny, waving RED FLAGS that your partner just doesn’t get you, babes:
#1. You always have to explain why you feel the way you feel to them. I cry at curtain calls when I see a live performance. It’s not rational; it’s not intellectual; it’s visceral, baby.
I asked her in the taxi ride home why she thought I couldn’t stop crying at the curtain call and if she thought it was weird.
She smiled at me and said, “It’s not weird. It makes total sense. You love watching people in their moment. You understand the blood, sweat and the tears that go into live performance and you’re feeling the relief of the end with the cast. I totally get it. You’re not crying because you’re sad, you’re crying because it’s a release of all the tension from the show.”
She was spot-on. Because she ~organically~ got me.
On the contrary, I once dated someone who was incredibly alarmed and confused as to why I was so deliriously happy after publishing a piece of writing that I was proud of.
“It’s just WORK!” she said, staring at her cellphone screen, arbitrarily liking photos on Instagram.
Just work? If you think my creative expression, my passion, my “job” is “just work” to me, you don’t get me at all, honey.
See, kittens, a person who gets you will naturally understand why you feel the way you feel. They’re not mind-readers, but they will have a general understanding of your emotional responses. They will validate your feelings, rather than question or undermine them.
They will understand why you’re so moved by a seemingly simple event. A person who doesn’t get you won’t understand your emotional life at all.
You will find yourself constantly having to break down why you feel the way you feel, which is exhausting, but leads me perfectly into my next point.
#2. They take everything you say at face-value. When you’re with someone who gets you, they can see right through your veil of bullshit.
For instance, if I’m acting cold and distant toward a partner who gets me, she might understand that it’s not because I hate her, it’s because I’m feeling super insecure because I didn’t get a callback for the audition I worked so hard on. She knows I’ve lost my confidence, so I’m turning inward.
Or, if I’m fake-laughing and trying too hard to connect with a stranger I admire, she won’t interpret it as flirting or being overly energetic. She will know I’m just trying to make a good impression and am feeling shy and intimidated, so I’m overcompensating.
“When you’re with someone who gets you, they can see right through your veil of bullshit.”
A person who doesn’t get you takes absolutely everything you say at face-value. They won’t see the intricate emotional nuances behind what outer emotions you’re throwing out there.
If you’re being sarcastic, they’ll think you’re being dead serious and take offense. When you’re being goofy, they won’t see that it’s just because you’re feeling shy and trying to work through it with humor.
#3. They don’t connect with your family. I don’t care if your family is dysfunctional or crazy… if your partner can’t find a way to connect with ONE PERSON in your family, it’s a shiny, patent leather, cherry-red FLAG that the person you’re dating doesn’t get you, babes.
“For better or worse, your family is your roots.”
For instance, on the outside, my family is pretty bougie and glam. But on the inside, we’re all really weird, artsy, adventurous and loving.
I dated someone who thought just because we all like to dress up, we’re judgmental and money-obsessed. It couldn’t be further from the truth.
She just didn’t understand The Barries. And if you don’t understand The Barries, you don’t understand me.
Cause I’m a Barrie girl, just like you’re a (insert last name here) girl.
#4. It’s a chore for them to hang out with your friends. Your friends are your urban family. As vastly different in personality and career as my eclectic group of friends are, they all share a common thread: They’re all beautiful, kind people on the inside.
If it’s a chore for the person I’m with to hang out with my friends because they just don’t connect with any of them, what the hell am I doing dating this person? My friends all get me. Your friends all get you.
If your partner doesn’t get your friends, and your friends represent all the parts of you, how can your partner truly understand who you are?
#5. You find yourself watering yourself down. Babes, vixens, virgins, girls, gays and everyone in between, be warned: If you find yourself watering down that witty text message because you fear your partner won’t get your humor, if you’re dumbing down your style or just becoming a watered-down shell of who you are, run.
You’re with someone who doesn’t get you, and you need to break up before you break a bone trying to bend into this idea of who your partner wants you to be.
What doesn’t bend, breaks. Remember that.
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